Ahh, welcome human.
I am so glad you are here.
You are in for a treat!
I admit I'm feeling generous this weekend (I've been patted, praised and petted beyond the usual) and so, as the superior being I am, I feel compelled to share with you the wisdom I have learned through the years.
Come closer lesser being . . . ahh, that's right. Very good.
You obey well.
Come my friend and I will enlighten you as to the three essential secrets of life.
YES! That's right! The three secrets that all cats know and revere.
I will share these marvels, and then you may pet me and tell me how wonderful I am.
Nap as often as possible.
And be sure to do so in a 'high traffic area' so that every creature coming and going can pet you, rub their faces in your tummy and tell you how adorable you are.
(stairs and doorways are especially beneficial- no one can possibly not notice you, and if they do- they pay the price when they trip and go flying.
A quick flick of the claws works too for that matter)
The tub fixes everything.
You can clean yourself there. Use either water or your tongue.
The method is irrelevant. Soap obviously unnecessary.
If you're thirsty, no problem- the drippy faucet is at your service.
If you're bored, the tub (and specifically the drain strainer) affords excellent opportunities for play.
And finally, Secret Three:
The best way to work up a healthy appetite is to watch your food fly around a good twenty minutes before catching and eating it.
Trust me, your digestion and figure will thank you.
Well good human,
I humbly accept your praise of my wisdom. After all, it's not your fault you were born as you are. That's why I'm here to help you.
Do not be cast down for we are all important!
Without us, there would be no cuteness and softness in life.
Without you, there would be no one to answer at our beck and call.
I leave you now with my good blessing . . .
may all your days be full of naps and all your meals good sport before eating.